I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
