I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
