I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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