what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
