The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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