wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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