Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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