all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
