if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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