my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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