she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
