I only kidnapped one of them. chill
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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