I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
