Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
