That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
