my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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