she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
