you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
