Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
