Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
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By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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