wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
