OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
