Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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