i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
