Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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