I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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