Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
