My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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