We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.