how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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