i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
