Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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