I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
