You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You're like the curious george of whores
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
