i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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