I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize