how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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