Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
