Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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