We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I know her cup size but not her name....
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