I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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