I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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