i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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