just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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