Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
