i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we're making bets on your personal life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
