remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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