I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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