You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
