I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
