Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
