i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
