you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
