there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
