maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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