just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
