awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
someone owes me an orgasm
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
