I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
