someone owes me an orgasm
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
