Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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