She said her name was "party"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your penis caused this!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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