I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
